Why not take your live saving travel around the world..be who you want to be, do what you want to do….why not take a chance. we only live once. maybe after we die we do come back to this world as other people. i dont really fully believe that but maybe. i dont know.

All I know is, I dont want to regret not taking any chances when I have the oppurtunity to take them, and Im going to do what makes me happy.

So it was February 4th 2010.

So I would drive Paige to school on Thursdays and Fridays cuz her school was on the way to work. So I got up early on Thursday ready to get Paige to School and me too work. Well it was about 12:00pm(noon) and my boss said hey Jeff, got a minute. I was like sure. So i went into his office. He told me that they were going to have to terminate me. I .. yea I begged for them to let me keep my job but he said sorry but there is really no way we can. So I called Paige, she didn’t answer so i texted her. Hey I just lost my job when will you be done? She called me asked me if i was being serious. I told her what had happened. She told me soon. So I waited about an hour at her school. Finally she came to the car. We started on the way home. I was like this sucks and I was majorly depressed. She told me it was ok we would work thru it.  So we got back to Chester. Went to her house and she said she would stay home. Well then she got a text and was like well I might go out tonight. Chris, and his friends are watch the comedian I like. Well last year me and paige watched that guy and i was like well we used to lets watch it together. She said you dont really like it. I told her I did. But she said No I didnt. Well then her mom starts yelling that she never home and you treat Jeff like shit. I was like you said you would stay and she said well now that you and my mom are on sides. Im going. I was like please paige stay just tonight. I need you. She said maybe. Well we go out to eat and she said shell pay so she took me to sonic. I begged please just tonight be with. Like I BEGGED. She said no I really want to go. I said ok fine if that what you want. So she took me to my car and went there. So I went home. At 5am she calls me and asked me to come over and sleep because school had been cancelled because of snow. So I said ok im tired so i just want to sleep. So I get there and she says lets go to walmart. Im like I want to sleep so we get in the car…Im pissed. I pretty much sleep the entire time. Well then we get back to her house i go straight to bed. Well my dad calls says they need someone. They will pay me. I was like ok. Ill be in a little later so i go back to bed. Get a phone being bitched out, because I wasnt in. So I said ok I need to go. Paige got mad because we made plans to do stuff and i get called in last minute. I said im sorry, but its money. So I left. Well i got to work and started working. Well at about 4pm it started snowing bad. She said i need to come get her and spend time with her and then take her to chris’s where she would spend the night. I was like what!?! Im working I cant leave and thats not right that ur spending the night. She got mad and hung up. Well then after I got home. I sent her a text if this is the way its going to be i dont want to be in this anymore. and she took that as us breaking up and she called me i ignored her calls and text. Well I called her back at about 9-10 pm and she was bitchy so i said sorry bye. didnt talk to her for 3 days. She invited me over. Her mom text me asking me if me and paige broke up i said no, her mom told me she said you guys did. So I instantly called her. I was like whats going on. She said she thought we broke up I was like no. She was like ok. I asked if we were ok. She said yea. Well then i got mad because she went out to dinner with her ex before me. So I was like thanks. So she said it was over. Then she with “MCDs Manager” everyday. Then they were officially together in less than a month.

I think that’s pretty much the whole story. It really sucked.  She has broken me for the last time. Sad part is I really did love her. But that was more than she deserved.

So sitting here I started to think. What about me? My name is Jeff. But what else is there. Am I a good guy? Am I a bad guy? What motivates me? What makes “me” me? So I have been doing some hard thinking.

My name is Jeffrey Barnard. I am a dreamer and not a doer. I have made plenty of bad mistakes. I am a mess but like to think I’m someone who is clean. I listen to all different types of music. I love to sing even though I am the worst singer in the world.  I lack a lot of self confidence but I am working on that. I am a bad public speaker, and I mumble a lot. I dream of owning an Audi but im never actually going to get one, Ill drive my truck til it dies. Yet still wont take care of it to make it last a day longer. I am extremely lazy. I lie. I lie about the dumbest shit imaginable, i have been working on that too. This isn’t everything. Its actually a very short list. I hope one day I will fix all these problems. But hoping doesn’t do anything doing does. I will fix my problem, no excuses.

ReCap – The Beginning of 2010
you know what they say – a bad beginning means a awesome ending.

So I lost my job at Genworth Financial. Paige left me for homo-sexual cross dressing mcd’s manger, and probably cheated on me with him too.

The Funny Part is This all took happened withing 24 hours.

Thats the biggest thing that happened in umm well theses first few months. I mean theres a whole story but does it really matter. Ill put the whole story on here. If someone says HEY I WANNA KNOW! but its up to the audience.

Well Enjoy

So Paige is on Vacation in South Carolina, It has been 3 days and i miss her alot, i really wish she was back. Also im sure you have read my earlier when we had broken up, we worked everything out and we are back together.  Everything has been good too I have been very happy in our relationship. I have really missed her alot over these 3 days.  But I have been hanging out with friends or  staying at home.  Well my best friend scott always says bad things about paige. He is my best friend but and everything goes fine if paige isnt mentioned, so i try to leave her out of conversations when we hang out but he will bring her up and start a fight. He keeps telling me how ugly she is and all these other things and i get really pissed. I dont want to loose are friendship. But I have got to the point where i have to choose between her or him.  I just dont know what to do and I wish I did any way ill add more later im pretty tired so goodnight til tomorrow

Well September has been a very interesting month. Then again every month can be pretty interesting.  Well I still dont have a new “newer” car, although im trying to get the audi still. But the more i clean up my truck the more I fell like it going away and the more I miss it. I don’t understand why we as people get so attached to things. I mean my car a piece of crap in many regards but i love it.  Im sure tomorrow on my way to work ill start yelling and calling it the biggest piece of shit wish i was in the audi. But that truck has been there for me, and it has got me through a lot and its weird that a vehicle can mean that much. I have alot more to write but it’s almost morning so ill finish up tomorrow.

Ok so it 2:30 im sitting at work, and today is a very slow day everybody i need to talk to is gone or busy, So all the work I have I cant do.

So ill get back to what I was talking about last night, The truck is great, and ill be sad to see it go, i might even tear up know it wont be there anymore, my dad will tell you I am very attached to vehicles, when I was probably 5 years old my dad sold our red ford escort, I loved that car, and when it left the driveway I started to cry, I wanted the car back. But knowing there is something better on the other side makes me very happy. I really look forward to driving the Audi.  Enough talk about cars.

So I have alot of stuff and it pretty scattered im my head and none of this is in order.

Last weekend me and Paige and our friends Chelsea and Josh all went out. I was really mad about going out with them because I really wasnt in the mood for them. I want to go out to a movie just me and Paige. Like was planned. But we went up to carytown and walked around for most of the night, as the night went on I found it getting better, maybe because I was excepting it to be so bad and it wasnt as bad as i thought, then at about 10:50 we all decided to get some food. As we are eating outside, we see 3 police cars and an ambulance drive past us,  about a minute later a mcdonald employee asked us to come inside because a man had just been shot. Well I didnt notice that well but Paige was pissed as hell as that night went on. So when we decide to go back to my friends apartment instead of sitting at mcdonalds. Paige decided that she didnt want to drive with them she wanted to walk back. Even though 2 blocks away a man dress in all black just shot somebody. We all yelled at her and told her to get in the car, finally she did. When we got to the apartment she still was in her “mood”. Me, Josh and Chelsea all wanted to go inside because theres a guy on the run with a gun.  Paige yelled and said im not going inside we are fine……. I started to get pissed and told her either we are going inside and leaving. She said fine were leaving. We got into the car and she now doesnt want to leave. I told her tough and as we sat there fighting to guys in all black walked passed the car. I was partially freaking out and it pissed me off how she didnt care.  Finally we left and on the way home we both cooled down and I decided to show her where I worked. She didnt realize how big the company really was til I showed her. Then we went home and thats the end of that story. All in all it was fun night. Even though I might have shit myself once or twice.

Ok so that enough for right know ill get back with the rest.

Friday
August 21, 2009
Well right after I left work on Friday, I went to Browns VW to test drive the new jetta. The guy let me take the car out by myself and let me tell you that car is fun to drive. It has a 2.5L  inline 5 cylinder engine with a 6 speed auto-manual(auto-stick) transmission. It was so much fun. The vw was just as fast as a 2.8L V6 Audi A4 quattro. I have to say the car is very impressive. 

August 22, 2009
Saturday
I expect Saturday to turn out alot different than I expected. Well Saturday morning I woke up late.  Got dressed went with my parents to get my hair cut. Yes the afro is gone. Then I went home and cleaned out my truck. I was going to trade my truck in for cash for cluckers and buy a brand new jetta. Well on our way to get the car we decided to get lunch. Me and my dad talk, he asked me if i could afford it. We priced it out and decided I really couldnt afford it and I should just save. Well I was really looking forward to having a new car so i was kind of down afterwards. Well after all that my dad took me to swaders. We had a fun but it had rained an hour before so we had to wait for the go carts and nobody else was really there. So it wasnt as much fun. But it was still fun.

August 23, 2009
Sunday
Sunday morning I woke up and drove to my best friends scott’s house. Me, Scott and Jackson went to ODU for the day so scott could go see the campus and me and jackson could go check out the babes. Sadly me and jackson didnt get to see any. So after we found out scott’s school pass would let us into the building we decided to drive around and find out where everything is on campus. Then we went home.

One to the rest of the day.

So this morning at work, I got my new desktop. It seems pretty nice. I havnt actually been able to use it. But it looks nice. So now I have my desktop setup with my dual 22″ monitors and my lenovo by itself. I really like my new setup at work. I realized that my desk is very messy today. I have papers, books, keyboards and mice everywhere.  Then I have been working, now im taking a break and blogging and eating some of my food. Oh and my cookies and creme candy bar was delicious. but I got it im my blackberry and now my blackberry has chocolate residue on it and its very annoying when im trying to use it.

So on to my plans for tonight. Well I found some new cars. Im going to try to do the cash for cluckers deal. I found a car that almost completly matches what I wanted. Its a 2009 VW Jetta SE but the S doesn’t look to bad either. The SE is just has a few extra nicer options and its only 900 dollars more. So I figure for 900 more I might as well get what I want. But I dont know if Ill get the jetta. Im also looking at a 2009 toyota corolla and a 2010 scion tc. I plan on going and test driving them tonight. Then tomorrow Ill show my parents. 

Ok thats all i have to say for right now. I need to go back to work.

oh P.S. dad thank you so much for the help with the truck.

So for the past few weeks my life has been up, down and side to side.  I have to say its been hard, but my life has started to change. I realize I want a lot more from life. The whole problem is I have no idea what I want. Well Ill start with what has started the transformation of my new life. A couple of weekends ago the same day I was given my promtion my girlfriend broke up with me so i guess now exgirlfriend. I have to say it was kind of messed up. But I let her go then a couple of days later i went to give her stuff back to her. That did go over the way I thought it would. Instead the pain of loosing her came through. I started to miss her and want her back. Then I saw her the next day and i wasnt expecting what happened to happen.  I knew she needed to get her life on the right path and i was being selfish and wanting her was making it so she couldnt find what she needed. So I said I would be the best friend I could be. I was willing to wait for her. Then I had she got some got a letter and really wanted me to be there. But i couldnt be there. I was a work trip and i didnt drive myself so there was no way for me to be there. Well when I got back to Richmond,VA i called her to see if i could see her. Well she said her ex before me was coming to see her. I said ok well how about after that, well i still never got to see her. Then I found she decide to stay almost 11 straight days with him. The funny thing is when we were dating she said she couldnt come to my house to eat with me because she wanted family time. But I guess I was never that important. Now it really doesnt matter.  11 days has made me realize all i was, was nothing. Im the person who could be used.  She saw that and used it for everything it was worth. In the 3 month of me trying to win her and the 3 months we dated, I must have spent 4500 dollars plus lost my one job, my parents grounded me for 2 months, i lost friends, i just in general lost alot.  I drove her to school, drove her home from school,  bought her food, took to nice places, did everything she wanted. I was always there when she needed me.  Know I realize it was just a waste of my time, energy, effort, and money.  I can never see going back to her, eventhough i miss her greatly at times. I really thought we were something that we wernt and honestly believe that there was something. If you understand what I mean. But now I have to thank her for making me realize that there is much more to life, help me want to become something, become more healthy, see the world from a different view. To add on to the part of my ex i know this is random is just kind of popped up in my head. Everytime she had a problem I was there for her, she was never there for me. I always had to do it myself eventhough she promised she would be there for me, but she never was. I did everything for her i figure i could/would have been something to her.

So what have I all changed in my life you may ask. Well im starting everything , im going to start to be the person I want to be.  Instead of living the life everybody else wants me too.  I have started a all protien diet to help lose weight and build muscle. Im getting new vehicles for the purpose I want. 

Ok so thats enough about me and my ex. Well this weekend my uncle jim(jimbo) came to VA. Me, my father, and my uncle are all went to swaders(an sports park), we played arcade games, go carts, batting cages. I have to say the go carts were a ton a fun. Then after we got home and ate. My uncle and I went for a drive, I was really glad he was there. Im glad to know that he was there for me when I really needed someone.  

Ok so this is the end of my first blog.  Im sorry if this one was all over the place, hopefully next time I do this it will be better.

Well Im really excited for Friday. Ali will be here, she is coming to VA and spending the weekend with me. She is someone I have talked to for like the past 2+ years. We have been there for each other over alot of thing. Im glad to have her with me.  Im really excited about her coming down here from PA. 

OK. im stopping this blog til later when I cant sleep tonight.